Society And Culture Jokes

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"Fake" Two Dollar Bill

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

IT: "Is that it?"

ME: "Yep."

IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"

ME: "No, it's to go." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says:

IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

MG: "No. A what?"

IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."

IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

IT: "I don't know."

ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"

IT: "Yeah."

ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"

IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and . . .

IT: "He says I have to take it."

MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."

IT: "What should I do?"

MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."

IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

MG: "Just tell him."

IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."

[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]

ME: "Well, here's a two."

MG: "We don't take 'those' either."

ME: "Why not?"

MG: "I think you 'know' why."

ME: "No really, tell me, why?"

MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

ME: "Excuse me?"

MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

ME: "What the heck for?"

MG: "Please, sir."

ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

MG: "Would you please just leave?"

ME: "No."

MG: "Fine, have it your way then."

ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

SG: "Really? What?"

MG: "Get this, a 'two' dollar bill."

SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]

MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"

MG: "NO, the $2 is."

SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

SG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says . . .

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

ME: "Uh, no."

SG: "Lemme see 'em."

ME: "Why?"

SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

MG: "It's fake."

SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."

MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."

SG: "Yeah?"

MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

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The prince and the curse

Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:

"Pardon?"

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It's okay for women to dance with each other, but you don't see men dancing together.

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The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!

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Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

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Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and
picking up the check.

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All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

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Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

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Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

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Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'