Society And Culture Jokes

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A Texan died and went to heaven ...

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex.

St. Peter swung open the gates and
revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.”

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The
blinding light and heat were enormous.

“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it
out.”

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What Is That?

A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a
visit, and took him on a tour of the property.

Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"

The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."

So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"

The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad. You gotta be kiddin me. You really don't recognize them?" The father replied, "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar - it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."

The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered
intently at the creature and said "Now what on earth is that thing!?"

Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...

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Golden Phone

It seems that a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the world, but thought that the place to start, since he as an American, would be the United States, and with that in mind, he decided to fly to San Francisco, and start working east from there.

He goes to the very large Grace Cathedral in that city and begins taking photographs, etc., when he suddenly spots a golden telephone on a wall with a sign which reads $10,000 a minute. Intrigued, he seeks out the priest and asks about the phone and the sign. The priest advises him that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and, if he wants to use it, he can talk directly to God. "Thank you very much", says he and continues on his way. His next stop is Clinton, Nebraska, and while attending a church there, notices that there is exactly the same type of phone, with exactly the same sign on it.

Again, he seeks out the parish priest, asks the same question, and again is told that it is a direct line to God, $10,000 minute, etc. He thanks the priest and continues on his way.

Next in Milwaukee and Chicago, two cities rather close together, he discovers exactly the same type of phone with exactly the same sign beside it; makes inquiries of the local priests and receives the same answer. Again, he thanks them and moves on his way.

Arriving in New York, he goes into the Cathedral of St. John, the golden telephone is on the wall with the same sign reading $10,000.00 a minute. He checks with the Dean of the Cathedral, and gets exactly the same answer.

Continuing on through many other states, he finds the same phone, the same sign, and gets the same answer, until, finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering Sanctuary Guadeloupe Cathedral in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone with a sign. But THIS time, the sign reads, "Calls 25 cents." By now fascinated, he gets hold of the Bishop and says to him, "Bishop, I have been in cities right across the country, and in each church I found this golden telephone, was told that it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in all the other churches across the country, it was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads .25 cents a call. Why?"

The Bishop smiles benignly at him and says, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
...it's a local call.

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Thanksgiving in the UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

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Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be
expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

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A trio of old veterans

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

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Reindeer

According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.

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How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

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Woman & Cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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Women's Profound Sayings

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?